i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
