oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
