i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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