can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
