i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I could fuck to npr.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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