I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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