I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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