I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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