ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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