Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
