Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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