kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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