i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
