no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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