At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
