i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
