Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
