mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
