im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
