I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
