As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
