Cold hands, warm shart.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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