fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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