i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
