Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
So much rum. So many feels.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
