Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
