i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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