I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
