Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
