I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
