I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
