my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
