Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
