I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
