so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
