I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
