I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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