I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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