Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
