I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
