my phone needs a breathalizer
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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