I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
