She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
