WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
