Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
