Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
