what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
