So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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