Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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