at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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